For the insane and mentally retarded
by eventful
Summary: Oh, that poor bastard Mizuki. He should've know better than to make a certain knucklehead steal the forbidden scroll. Now, look what happened. Lots of crack.
1. Chapter 1

"Yatta! I did it!" Naruto Uzumaki gave a cheerful cry as three identical clones of him appeared in a poof of smoke. Now he'd definitely become a genin. Not only did he have the forbidden scroll with him but he had also learned a technique from it and a bunshin one at that!

"Now where's Mizuki-sensei..."

"Hey, boss..."

"What?"

"Let's learn another jutsu! Mizuki-sensei will be very impressed if we learn another one!"

The blond' face gained a thinking look. His clone did have a point.

"Maybe We might even directly become chuunin 'cause we learned two jutsu!" Another clone chirped. "And-and even Sakura-chan will then go on a date with us!"

That removed any doubts -if there were any- from the Uzumaki's mind. He could just feel what sasuke-teme' reaction would be when he becomes a chuunin faster than the Uchiha with brother issues.

"Let's do this, dattebayo!"

**JAJAJAJAJAkukukukukuHIHIHIHIHIHI**

"Tch. Bitch." Mizuki spat. Having decided on leaving the village with the forbidden scroll and going to Orochimaru-sama' -who had a great liking for the young- sanctuary, he thought that getting laid in the village for the last time -before Orochimaru-sama destroyed it- would be great.

Of course, it would be great! I mean who doesn't like some act- ahem...back to the plot.

So, he went to his girlfriend' house in hopes of getting some but was instead dragged by her to one of her shopping sprees. God! He hated those things!

So, now he stood at her door with an empty wallet and a red, stinging cheek. Why?

Well, a girl wouldn't exactly _kiss_ you if you told her how much you loved her by calling her a 'bloody dumb bitch who somehow surprisingly comes up with vivid and clever ideas to spend all of my money'.

She had spent all of his money, _all_ of it. Savings and all inclusive. She always had that talent. Though, the cheek didn't hurt as bad. Thank heavens for that she was a civilian. He shuddered at the thought of her being a shinobi. That woman was scary enough as it was.

"Should've called her all those things in the mall rather than now. Would've saved me the trouble of carrying all those bags and some of my money." Mizuki murmured. "YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS! BITCH!" Then, abruptly ran away like a bitch before the woman came out and did anymore damage.

Some people never learn.

**GURARARARAkukukukuJEHAHAHAHA**

"Hey boss! See this one!" A clone shouted.

The real naruto went over and looked at the particular jutsu that his clone told him to...and promptly unloaded his lunch...on the forbidden scroll. Well, that particular part of the scroll.

Wiping his lips, he turned to the clone. "Don't ever show me stuff like that..." He pleaded and shivered. "Spitting out so many snakes from mouth...whoever invented that jutsu must have some issues."

**SOMEPLACE BETTER LEFT UNKNOWN**

Orochimaru sneezed suddenly. "Hmm...someone must be thinking about me. But who...and why? I know! 'Cuz I'm FABULOUS!"

Then, he went back to enjoying his tea party that also included the sandaime, Tsunade, Jiraiya and Manda. Well, plush toys versions of them, to be clear...

...and a random sound nin who was now thinking that joining the snake sannin was not the best idea. He was better in Kiri with all the bloody mist thing. At least, it would've been a quick death if he were in Kiri...not this torture. Yeah sure, he had a bloodline limit and would be butchered as soon as he next sets foot in Kiri but there was always a tiny amount of hope that the mizukage would spare him. It wasn't like the ability to increase the size of his tool was a helpful bloodline...in a battle anyway. It wasn't like he could go 'power pole extend' or something and WHAM! All his enemies would be defeated. God knows that he'd tried it against the legendary Ameyuri Ringo and that rabid bitch had then been hellbent on making the fish fillet version of his manhood.

"Want some more tea, ninja-san?" Orochimaru asked with a disturbingly, gleefully childish smile.

Yup, only _some_ issues.

**BACK TO THE BLOND**

"This one seems cool..." The blond said as he looked at another jutsu. "...Edo Tensei..."

Sure...a jutsu that could bring back the dead seemed cool. Hell! It was freaking awesome...if not for the part where you've to kill another person as a sacrifice. That seemed to put off most people.

But, thankfully naruto had skipped that part and his eyes were transfixed on the seal for the summoning.

**JAJAJAJAJAkukukukuHIHIHIHI**

Sarutobi Hiruzen was having a headache and it wasn't any ordinary headache. It was one of those 'With best regards, Uzumaki Naruto' kind of headaches...

...and the biggest one till now.

Having read one of his precious icha icha, he had thought of taking a small toilet brake for mast- er, relieving stress. But when he came back to his office, his stress level skyrocketed.

Why? Because Uzumaki Naruto had stolen the forbidden scroll.

As for how did he arrive to the conclusion that Naruto was the culprit...

...the crude writing on his wall that said 'Uzumaki Naruto was here bitches!' and a crude drawing of a chibi naruto giving a victory sign were more than enough of evidence.

He'd sent anbu to retrieve both naruto and the scroll. Hopefully, they should be able to do so before any more damage occurs. Well, tough luck old monkey.

Now, even after two hours they hadn't shown up with the blond...or the scroll. Either his soldiers were getting lazy or the blond was getting better in stealth.

Massaging his temple with one hand, he took out his crystal ball and started searching for the blond. "Aha! Found you!" His ball never deceived him. It had been his companion for as long as he could remember. He remembered the good times... Spying on women in hot springs while leisurely sitting inside his office. He'd met Biwako only because of the ball. It was like a brother he never h-

"Son of a bitch!" With wide eyes he saw what the blond had done. "Damn you, Minato! I swear if you were alive then I would've killed you myself! I knew I should've done the sealing instead of you! At least I would have been spared of..._this! _"

**BACK TO THE BLOND AGAIN**

"I won't let you kill Iruka-sensei! I won't let my precious people die!" Naruto said and did a cross hand sign. In an instant, the whole area was occupied by thousand or so clones.

"GAHH!" Mizuki screamed and fell in a fetal position, rolling to his sides. "It hurts! It hurts! Make it go away! I surrender!"

Everyone was confused...as nobody had even touched the chuunin.

"So much orange! My eyes! My eyes!"

Ignoring the rapidly developing tick mark, Naruto undid the jutsu... which proved to be a wrong move because as soon as he did that, smoke filled the area and through the smoke came a horde of whirling shuriken that thankfully hit two of the earlier created clones instead of the real one.

Naruto, without missing a beat, took out a bottle of ink from his pocket and started drawing the seal on the ground for the jutsu he had seen minutes ago. What was formed vaguely resembled the seal from the scroll.

Now, if you are familiar with sealing jutsu or the concept of the said, then you should remember that tampering with one isn't good and tampering with one like this was downright insane and disastrous.

"Now what, brat..." Mizuki said as the smoke started clearing. "You've lost the one chance you had. Now die!" He said and threw a fuma shuriken at the blond.

"Done!" Naruto said as he completed the hand signs and slammed his palm on the seal. "...kuchiyose: Edo Tensei!" He roared and suddenly the area around Naruto and Naruto were covered in smoke...and the shuriken disappeared into it the next second and didn't come out...which meant that it had hit something.

**SOMEPLACE IN THE AFTERLIFE**

Uchiha Madara was enjoyed life...or rather afterlife. Watching his clan flourish as he played with the youngster. Teaching eight year olds various S ranked jutsus. Sparring with his rival Hashirama. Watching over the village. All in all, a content afterlife. He was sitting in his lawn, sipping a herbal tea...when suddenly he felt a tug and his surroundings changed.

**SOMEPLACE IN THE AFTERLIFE...AGAIN**

Senju Hashirama was also enjoying afterlife. Sitting together with his family and having dinner. Watching his village live in peace. Getting sex from Mito every night...and morning. Those were the joy of afterlife. God knows, that woman starved him for sex when they were alive! Now, he felt tired because of the never changing daily routine. He was bored of afterlife, goddammit!

But, he felt a pull and found himself back in the world of living. 'Huh. Madara' also here. Niiiice!'

**SOMEPLACE IN THE AFTERLIFE...LAST TIME, I SWEAR**

Tobirama Senju was also enjoying afterlife. In fact, out of the three it was him who was enjoying it the most. Why?

Well, wouldn't you if you were in a jacuzzi with all the other occupants being hot naked babes who couldn't keep their hands off you?

"Ahhh! Tobirama-sama~" The ladies purred seductively.

"Hehehehe..." The white haired man just giggled pervertedly like a certain other white haired man.

Then, abruptly found himself in the world of the living.

**BACK TO BLONDE**

"What the FUCK?!" Mizuki cried as his brain failed to form a rational answer. What was happening with him today? Had he invoked some kind of divine wrath upon himself? This day had turned from bad to nightmarish. Why? Because standing in front of him were two hokage and one Uchiha Madara.

"So...who are you three exactly?" Naruto was the first one to break the silence.

Hashirama and Tobirama turned to the voice behind them and saw a brightly dressed kid.

"_You_ are the jutsu summoner..." Tobirama said to himself rather than anyone else. He couldn't believe it! This kid had summoned not only him but also his brother and Madara. That alone would've required a ton of chakra. On top of that, he had summoned them together! Not simultaneously.

"Thank you!" Hashirama hugged the kid. "You saved me!" Then, he started crying on the blond' shoulder as the said blond was desperately trying to free himself but to not avail.

The only one who had yet to say anything was the Uchiha. He was caught in his thoughts.

Madara saw that he was in his adult body like Hashirama and Tobirama. It was strange considering that he had died when he was really, really old after he had trained Obito.

He checked his appearance.

Long, luscious, spiky hair that made women swoon. Check.

Healthy olive complexion skin. Check.

Angular face with a strong jawline and cheekbones. Check.

His shinobi attire. Check.

A fuma shuriken lodged in his stomach. Che- wait, what?!

With expert precision that only highly trained ninja had, Madara dislodged the shuriken and the wound rapidly closed up. By 'expert precision' I mean 'roughly pulling it out and throwing it away'.

"Now..." Madara started. "Which one of you jerkwads had the brilliant idea of throwing a deadly weapon at me?" He's asked both Iruka and Mizuki.

"It was Mizuki-teme! He's planning on stealing the forbidden scroll!" Naruto shouted as he finally freed himself from Hashirama' hug.

Madara looked at the one who had a big scroll strapped to his back. "So Mizuki-teme." He politely addressed the chuunin. "Run."

Now, when Uchiha "Motherfucking" Madara tell you to run. Then, you run.

Oh, you run like hell hounds are after your life and do not look back.

But, Mizuki's reaction was different. His mind had came to the conclusion that the three people in front on him were real deal and not some shadow clones in henge or a high class genjutsu. He'd snorted at that. If the blond had casted a genjutsu, then he was the Sage of the six paths. Moving on, as his mind came to the conclusion of them being real, he started having a mental breakdown.

When Madara had told him to 'run'. He started having a nervous breakdown as well. He'd peed himself...and then fell face first in his own pee.

"Eww!" Everyone except Mizuki- who had knocked himself out- said in unison.

"Now what?" Madara asked.

"The hell would I know..." Hashirama said. "I was dead just five minutes ago!"

Tobirama sighed. He was already missing afterlife.

**INSIDE NARUTO'S SEAL**

Kurama didn't know what to do. Be happy or sad or amazed or confused or surprised or angry. He settled with being impressed. The kid was definitely unpredictable...and borderline insane. Who the hell goes on messing with S ranked jutsu, dammit! If it could happen, then with all the stress that his received in all his existence, his orange haired body would've been white.

With a sigh, he then went back to his beauty sleep. Mumbling something about insane brats.

**AND CUT! NO, SCRATCH THAT! OFF WITH EVERYBODY'S HEADS! **

**Please review!**

So? How was it? Did you like it...or naw?

Ciao, ladies...and not ladies.


	2. Bon Appétit, Madara

**Hello people! How are you guys! I'm glad that you all liked this story and am thankful for the support.**

**Just one thing- please review more!**

**GURARARARAkukukukuJEHAHAHAHA**

"Oi teme! Stop throwing my ramen!" A red faced Naruto shouted angrily.

Madara turned around and glared at the blond...who glared back with equal intensity.

Why did the old monkey have to send him to live with this brat!

"Why the hell is there ONLY instant ramen in this shithole of a house!"

"Because ramen' the best, dattebayo! A-And the hell are you calling a shithole! You...You girly haired bastard!" Naruto roared.

Just a few feet away, the two senju brothers who were sitting at the table and watching the scene, tried hard to control their laughter...but failed miserably.

"BWAHAHAHAHA girly haired bastard!" Tobirama choked on his spit as he laughed uncontrollably.

Hashirama held his sides as he laughed too hard.

Madara broke his gaze from the blond and glared at the senju brothers. If looks could kill someone, then the two senju would've been dead once again. Edo Tensei or not.

"What are you two laughing about!" The Uchiha shouted.

"You..." He pointed at Hashirama. "...used to steal your mom's special _silky smooth _hair conditioner and use it on yourself when we were kids and later you used Mito' shampoo! Seriously, your hair is more girlish!"

"And you..." He pointed at the younger senju. "...look like a character out of some yaoi dounjinshi!"

That promptly shut them up.

"And you!" He pointed at Naruto.

"Me?" The blond asked in a clueless manner.

"_You._"

"Me?"

"_**Youuuu!**_" Madara hissed. "Get. Me. Something. To. Eat. "

The both stared at each other before Naruto relented.

"Okay. I'll bring some meat." Then, went off to his room.

Madara went to the table and sat down with his rival and the rival's brother. "That's how you get your work done." He said smugly. The two senju grunted in response, still angry at the uchiha.

Several minutes, many thuds that sounded like objects falling over and a muffled cry later, the blond came to the table. He had a face splitting grin and a plate in both hands.

As he put down the plate, the three zombies saw an overcooked, slightly charred piece of meat.

Madara eyed it cautiously. "What is it?"

"Meat."

The uchiha looked at the two senju. "You guys hungry?"

"Nope." "No."

Madara nodded. Why was it him who was feeling hungry? Why was he getting the case of munchies? Surely the blond must've screwed up the justu.

"Oh, well..." He cleared his head of these thoughts and looked at the plate once again.

Now, in any other circumstances, Madara Uchiha would not have eaten the deadly looking, burnt meat. But, it seems that even legendary shinobi couldn't win against their stomach. Thus, in one big gulp, he consumed it. Nothing happened for a few seconds. Then...

"Shit." Madara said as he clutched his stomach in pain.

Naruto grinned. He killed two birds with one stone. Now the bastard will know not to mess with Uzumaki Naruto.

"What...was...that?" Madara wheezed out.

"Meat."

"What...kind...of..."

"Rat meat."

"_**What!?**_" Now, the Uchiha' face had turned a sick green colour and he ran off to unload the content of his stomach. Sarutobi is definitely dead!

"Hehehe." The blond chuckled. Finally, he had rid himself of that rat and also taught the girly haired man a lesson. The rat had put up a fight but the blond had won.

"Kid." Hashirama called. "Mada-chan had a pet rat and he loved it very much. More than his own brother."

"So..."

"You made him eat a rat."

"So..."

Hashirama sighed. _Is he this dumb._

"So run."

The blond connected the dots. "Crap."

**JEHAHAHAHAkukukukuJAJAJAJAJA**

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**Goodbye.**


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